Vapid Vegas reVue

Lucky Texan keeps it on the DL

An early-graying twenty-something hit the jackpot at Caesars Palace when she found a $25 chip on the floor. "I saw something green and chip-like with Celine Dion's face on it and when I bent over to pick it up, I knew all my money (and girl) troubles were coming to an end."

She quickly shoved the retirement-maker into her jeans and kept her hand there to ensure the chip would not fall out. "C.P." then stood casually about as if she did not have Celine Dion in her pocket.

Plans for the chip have not been formalized, but include several cars and some shoes.

Woman meets, marries, eats bread

A whirlwind romance that began and ended over lunch was the subject of many stares and the butt of many jokes on the Las Vegas Strip recently. Nevertheless, "Yen T." found true love at Mon Ami Gabi when her waiter served a complimentary baguette at the start of the meal.

"Yen T." blabbered that, "It was love at first bite, all the way up to the seventh bite, when I proposed. Butter was the best man for the ceremony. On the eleventh bite, we knew that our time was coming to end, but we had enjoyed each other's company immensely. I said goodbye on the fourteenth bite and chewed slowly. Oh, how could I have eaten my husband? All of him! Even his crumbs!"

The Mon Ami Gabi outdoor cafe is the scene of the woman-bread marriage. Onlookers found the woman strange and off-putting, but some admitted to having more-than-friends feeling for the bread, as well.

Alleged Deb-tipper still at-large; victim recovering at craps table

Police are on the lookout for the parking stop assailant of a visiting Midwesterner in town hoping to get lucky with Lucky Larry, the famous crustacean playa'. Sources could not confirm the degree of luckiness to which "Deb R." claimed.

The assault occured downtown in an underground parking lot. Witnesses could not recall seeing the concrete slab, but some attest to hearing a faint, "Ha Ha" as it fled, or rolled, away. "Deb. R." was found recovering in the early morning hours at a New York New York casino craps table where she rolled a "hi dee ho" or "tic tac toe", which this reporter will admit to not comprehending.

The suspect-at-large is five feet long, made of concrete, and has possibly not moved an inch from where the alleged assault took place. "We're doing the best we can," an official LVPD spokesperson said.

Instrumental in the case is a well-timed photograph "Deb R." took as she was falling to the ground during the incident. Police are asking anyone familiar with the suspected parking stop to come forward, unless they are coming forward to mock "Deb R.", the LVPD or parking stops in general.

Geeks arrive predictably early, nonchalantly play nearby slots

Two unidentified sci-fi fans were seen milling near the entrance of the Star Trek Experience inside the Las Vegas Hilton more than 100 minutes before the attraction was scheduled to open. Both declined to comment for this story.

Attempts to downplay their geeky behavior by slowly feeding a nickel or two into nearby video poker machines were witnessed by several casino employees. A six-year veteran of the cashier cage commented, "I've seen some dressed-up geeks and some techno-babble geeks in the time this Star Wars Track thing has been opened, but these two were the strangest and oddest I've ever seen." He admitted to backing away quickly from the pair so as to not contract any geek cooties.

Hoover Dam 'damn fine' exclaims enthusiatic, yet profane woman

Dam officials were forced to confront and then chase down a rather shifty tourist hell bent on using curse words.

The petite, yet surprisingly loud woman, who hails from numerous states, initially was expressing her sense of awe of the "fucking large concrete dam". She then witnessed "shitloads of damn large fish" swimming in Lake Mead. To cap off the verbal assault on innocent ears, the woman proceeded to rattle off every cuss word she knew, including "bastard", "bitch", and "fartydarty" (St. Louis slang), as officials chased her across the dam into Arizona, where they thankfully were not slowed down by the state's lack of a time change. When the woman returned to Nevada, she ran out of breath, thereby ending the swearing barrage.

She then starting speaking like a raccoon. Dam officials overlooked that misdemeanor, although it is possible they did not understand her. They did place a damn official dam ban on the woman from returning to Hoover Dam unless she is appropriately muzzled. The woman is pictured above, second from the right (or left).